prison.

I can't fall alseep at night. So I can't get up in the mornings.
I'm really sad right now, and too often lately. I don't know which is causing which. I really hate hating myself. I've been dealing with this since I was 6 years old-no exaggeration. I don't understand it. I don't understand what makes the difference in a happy day and an unhappy day or even happy and unhappy moments. Sometimes I just think about my life and I feel really sorry for myself. Then I think about right now, that I don't have anybody and how I've been alone most of my life so its not anything new. Its a really sucky feeling to think that nobody in the world likes you. It's stupid and overwhelming. I can reminice back to freshmen year of high school when I was actually so depressed I heard voices and had paranoid panic attacks.

I know that prayer would help. Me knowing it isn't the problem. It's me doing it thats the problem. The vicious cycle is that the more depressed I am, the less I remember to pray. Its like I enter a haze, just trying to get through another day. I usually experience what I am experiencing now at least once a month, just hormone related. This time its just lasting longer, which is frusterating. I think I might have an estrogen imbalance, so I ordered some supplements to correct that problem.

I feel like a prisoner-nobody to talk to, nobody to touch me or hug me, nobody to care about me. Jesus cares, I just wish I spent more time with him. I can't lie to God when I pray about this and say that I know that would be enough because at this point I feel like I really need people. I need friends, I need human connections. I don't want anybody to think this is because we moved, truth be told I am even happier here than I was in soap lake-at least I can get out of the house here. This is something that has been going on a long time. Over the last 2 years alone I've lost tons of friends to distance and other reasons of life.

Reading this it is totally a 'poor me' sob story. Thats not my intention. I just feel like putting it in writing....I don't know, it helps a little.

the other annoying this is that this sadness comes in waves. I already am feeling better. And then I feel like a big loser for writing this :P oh well nobody forced you to read it.

I guess if you did read it, please just pray for me. This is a lifelong battle I've been fighting, and I could use you on my side.

I know God loves me....I think I just need to love him more.