Stop hitting me, reality!

Got the call that the place is ours if I want it. I told Kane I would call him tomorrow morning to give him my answer as to whether we for sure want it or not. So much reality is beating me in the face right now. Bills, school, not knowing anybody, working, responsibility. This would be an extreme and major chance of lifestyle. I've basically been sitting around on my arse for 3 years (since I was pregnant) not really doing anything productive. Even getting my degree didn't feel like doing anything. I've been at home all day everyday watching TV for 3 years. I don't like it, I don't really enjoy feeling lazy and worthless, but its been my life for so long now! If we take this place, and really move, and really start over, it means EVERYTHING is going to change.

On top of every new thing I will be starting, I think about the things I will be missing. I really like my church, and I love the people I have met there. I feel like I am just now getting to a place where I feel confident enough to be myself around them. And as much as my mom hates me right now, and as mean as she is, I really really love her and I love how much Averly loves her. The thought of leaving her makes me really sad. I guess on the flip side of all of this I think about how my mom doesn't even want to talk to me these days and about how I hardly get to hang out with anybody and socialize. Quite honestly, I feel really alone here.

Its like God has done all the work up until now and its now my job to have a little faith and say yes. We could stay here, and I could sit around for another year doing nothing. We would also have to deal with a bunch of drama and being stalked once he gets out of jail. I just don't think the good of staying here outweighs the bad. So as scary as it is, which is like AHHHHHHHHH! scary, I should probably do it.

I looked up kane and leah on facebook and they are way younger than I expected. I guess he is 27 or so and she is 24. As meant to be as this all feels, and as much faith as I wish I had, I still have fears and reservations. I guess it all has to do with letting go and....I don't know, just letting go.

I'm slightly freaking out. I have to call him before noon tomorrow to give him the answer. Maybe I should be praying right now instead of writing this! doy!